In search of the rainbow - gold blinding my view
[DISCLAIMER: this post is a self indulgent ritual, of writing in a journal by putting on the web. Yes I am judging myself. But this one little indulgent (that should be judged) has helped with some productivity in my writing. Do forgive… ]
So where do I start?
Last year I was at a baby shower there was a sudden shower of rain on a sunny day (you know those highveld storms) and then a brief rainbow showed up. While I was trying to enjoy the rainbow – cause I grew just loving the sight of a rainbow, since it creates happy feelings in me – Roxy, a friend who was there kept on bugging me about the gold at the end of the rainbow. It was a ridiculous conversation. But we indulged in it till the rainbow faded.
For the first in my life I didn’t feel the happy experience that comes with rainbow. We had focused on the possibility of the gold at the end of the rain-bow.
And I think this is what is happening with me. I am anticipating the gold at the end of the rainbow and not enjoying the rainbow.
One I don’t think life is that hard, I might be creating monsters out of nothing. You know like the ones we used to create under our beds when we were kids, because we watched too much TV? Yes, I think that is what I have created.
So I am in this job I find stifling and I don’t know if I should stay in it for the rest of the year, since I am only leaving next year September. I am trying and working on creating new opportunities in this position, you know writing reviews, getting a podcast show – at some level I pat myself for that – but I feel like there is just this ceiling. Like there is no where to go, and I don’t know what to do.
And recently I attended a childhood friend's funeral, which put me in a worse state. Well it’s the Pimville effect maybe.
Thoughts that all these people are judging me overwhelmed for weeks leading to the funeral and after the event: “Where is the car”,
“Still living at home?”
“She is just like us with all her education”
“And do you know she went to university for years…”
So I am focusing on not have the gold and shit to show almal.
My heart tells me that this is your life and you have always been a creator of it, not the other way around – but mind just falls into the trap of the world. It shouts louder than my heart telling me how I need a townhouse, more debt – get a car, a fridge. And a bed…
Then thoughts of leaving panic me, because I am going off and I am scared that I will return still with nothing “to show” so to say.
All these thoughts block other good thoughts of planning and dreaming about life. I just feel dis-empowered.
I understand that life does have its ups and downs…
Anyway, I am well. And truly life ain’t that bad I have rain-bows. Happy feelings all the time.
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